


But you felt enough

by Neuqe



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, Meddling Team, Mutual Pining, a gratuituos use of a pacific rim comparison, dares, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29921547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: “I dare you,” Chim repeats, “at the end of the night leave with the phone number of the hottest person who is here tonight. And if you don’t, you owe me 20 dollars.”Buck seems to consider the dare for the whole two seconds. His smile is a little crooked and his eyes are shining with mischief. “Sure, but if I do, you owe me twenty dollars.”Eddie knows he lives in the hell of his own making.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 491
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	But you felt enough

”So, Buck, have you met anyone new?” Chim asks, across the corner table they are currently sitting around, and taking a sip of his beer.

The bar is not completely packed, it’s relatively quiet, but still finding a table had been a challenge. The table is just a little too small for all of them. Buck is sharing the couch-esque seat with Eddie, and Chim had managed to find a proper chair for Maddie, while he and Hen grabbed just regular stools from somewhere nearby.

The round table in the middle of their seats is half-covered in empty glasses and bottles, and the table is too low, but no one seems to mind, and Eddie has to admit he feels surprisingly content there, being surrounded by his small chosen family.

“Not really,” Buck replies, running his thumb along his glass.

The seat they share is just almost too small for two grown adults, their legs are pressed together, and their shoulders are bumping against each other, but it had felt like the most natural thing just to sit there. Eddie had not even questioned it, and Buck had instantly slid next to him, as if without a second thought.

As if that is where he belonged, no questions asked.

There is music playing in the background, a quiet song with guitars, and Maddie shoots a pointed look at his brother as she rests her hand on her baby bump, but Eddie cannot help but notice that Buck is pretending not to notice.

“Yeah, not surprising,” Chim replies, but his voice is full of amusement, “hard to meet anyone when you spend all of your time with Eddie.”

There is truth in his teasing. They already spend ridiculous amount of their days together at work, but still, they end up gravitating towards each other in their free time, too. Making all sort of plans, taking Christopher to a park, calling each other, cooking dinner, watching movies. All small things, and honestly, Eddie wouldn’t want to do that with anyone else.

The thought used to scare him a little. He knows Buck is in his life for good, hopefully, and Christopher loves him like a third parent, and even though they are just friends, the level of commitment did terrify him a little. Not because he thought Buck would just leave, but because Eddie was placing so much trust into him so quickly.

Sure, that trust has been forged through a couple of natural disasters and a lawsuit, and it is still intact. Thriving, even. But still, Eddie is not used to trust people that thoroughly, and depending on some else is new to him, and with that trust comes always the possibility of having his heart broken.

Still, he knows Buck is worthy of his trust, and he wouldn’t want anyone else having his back, at work or outside of it.

Lately, more often than not, Buck has ended up spending the night at his place. It has happened enough times that he has started to ponder whether he should buy a better couch for him to crash on. Eddie’s bed is definitely big enough for two, but he hasn’t figured out how to tell it to him, without making things weird, or worse, accidently revealing too much about the depths of his feelings for him.

Eddie doesn’t mind one bit that they spent so much time together. Actually, if he is being completely honest, he loves it. He knows how to be alone and on his own, and sometimes he prefers the quietness, but Buck’s presence is something he cannot say no to and he doesn’t want to learn to say no to it.

Buck rolls his eyes, exasperatedly, but there is too much fondness in his expression to actually come across as annoyed. “Not true, I hang out with Christopher, too.”

“He’s a great kid,” Hen remarks, offering a warm smile at Eddie, before she looks back at Buck, “but that doesn’t actually help getting you back into the dating scene.”

Eddie knows this, and secretly, deep-down, he is little glad about it. Buck’s his best friend and obviously he wants him to be happy and he deserves all the good things in the world, but Eddie’s selfish. He knows he is pining after him, and that his feelings are almost certainly unrequited, and there is nothing he can do about it, but not having to witness Buck being in love with someone else makes it a little more bearable.

It gives space for the countless what ifs and maybes. It gives him space to believe that maybe they have managed to create a family of their own. Just he, Christopher, and Buck. And it also gives him a chance to believe that maybe, and just maybe, Buck would be content enough with that, too. 

Eddie also knows that Buck has no problems meeting someone or making other plans, but after the lawsuit, he has always turned up when they have scheduled something, sometimes even when they haven’t planned anything special, without a fail. He has never cancelled or rescheduled because he would have suddenly something else to do.

It makes him feel cherished, and it does absolutely unfair things to his heart to see how much Buck loves and values his son and to witness how thrilled he is always to see him and have the chance to spend time with him.

He knows it’s a privilege. To have Buck giving that amount of his already limited free time to them, and he appreciates every moment of it.

Wishing for anything more feels selfish and ridiculous. Like he would be pushing his luck and asking for too much.

“It might be bad for your love life, but me and Chris love having you,” Eddie says, with every intention to add around in the end of it, but the last word gets stuck in his throat, and it is the truth, nevertheless.

He looks stares at his beer bottle little sheepishly, hoping that nobody reads too much into his ramblings. He has told Buck several times that he is wanted and always welcome at their place, but he likes to remind him about every now and then.

Eddie thinks he needs to hear it, just implying won’t be enough, and he likes saying it because every time it makes Buck smile. It is wide and bright smile, and it is filled with so much genuine happiness, and it makes his stomach somersault. Also, it is not an unpleasant realisation to know that he is sort of the reason behind that smile.

Sure, it is a bit ridiculous, but beggars cannot be choosers, and if he can make Buck smile, he will do it.

“See, Eddie agrees,” Buck announces, happily, clasping his left knee with his palm underneath the table. He is smiling again, dazzlingly brightly, and Eddie is sure his heart is going to burst.

There is nothing unusual about the touch, but Buck’s hand still feels warm through his jeans. They touch a lot. Buck is a tactile person, and somehow it has become contagious. Eddie has never been a hugger or someone who uses casual touches as a way of communication. Having a child changed some of that, he loves when Chris hugs him when he gets home after a rough shift and he hopes he never grows up too old for that.

Buck is just the other exception.

Eddie is pretty sure, excluding Chris, that Buck is in the receiving end of ninety percent of his touches. It is not like he would be casually brushing his shoulder with Hen or sit right next to Chim when there would be enough space to sit separately.

Still, Buck’s hand on his knee feels surprisingly intimate. Perhaps because no one else can even see it, and he knows it is just meant for him.

“Of course he agrees,” Maddie pipes in, gently, but she is still staring at Buck.

Eddie has no idea what any of it is supposed to mean.

“Eddie’s love life is just as sad as yours, no offense,” Hen says, shrugging a little.

“I’m a widow,” Eddie shoots back, only half-jokingly, as he takes a gulp of his beer.

Shannon dying definitely left a fair share of trauma behind, and not just for Christopher. He guesses he still loves her, on some level, and he probably always will, even if their last years together weren’t the smoothest or happiest.

Besides, he sees her as much as he sees himself in Chris, and it reminds him of her every day. But it is a good type of reminder.

Eddie hasn’t even tried to start dealing with the fact that he has started to notice that Chris has picked up some figures of speech and certain expressions that he has definitely learned from Buck. 

He is ready to date again, he is just reluctant to do anything because he is so hung on Buck, but he doesn’t need the team to discuss his love life, he is suffering enough as it is.

“Technically, yes. But Buck isn’t,” Chim insists, and Buck lets out an exasperated sigh.

“I just don’t want to date someone just for the sake of dating, you know? There has to be something bigger. And I’m not lonely, I’m happy with what I have,” He says, and Eddie could swear he glances at him, briefly, when he says it, but that is probably just wistful thinking on his part.

“That’s good. No one is forcing you to do anything,” Maddie says, this time shooting a pointed glance at his boyfriend.

“Of course not, but you are not gonna meet anyone if you don’t try,” Chim points out, a little gentler this time.

“I guess,” he admits in a huff.

Eddie knows that Buck has no issues making a move on someone he would be interested in, and there definitely are people who are showing interest in him, but for some reason he always shuts them down. Just last week, on a call about small kitchen fire, there was a woman who practically threw her business card at him, but he didn’t seem to reciprocate her interest on any level.

“I dare you,” Chim says, and everyone around the table collectively lets out small groans, but Buck just mirrors Chim’s grin.

“I dare you,” Chim repeats, “at the end of the night leave with the phone number of the hottest person who is here tonight. And if you don’t, you owe me 20 dollars.”

Buck seems to consider the dare for the whole two seconds. His smile is a little crooked and his eyes are shining with mischief. “Sure, but if I do, you owe me twenty dollars.”

Eddie knows he lives in the hell of his own making. He briefly wonders if he should make a tactful escape now, because he might be in love with his best friend, but that doesn’t mean he is required to suffer and watch him flirt with other people right in front of him. 

Still, he is reluctant to leave. Just because Buck had been so excited when he said he could join them for a couple of rounds of post-shift drinks as Chris is on a sleepover at his friend’s place. Besides, he is pretty sure Buck won’t just abandon him for the whole night, or at least he likes to think so. And leaving right now would just seem suspicious, and he doesn’t want to ruin anyone’s mood.

He can bury his real feelings somewhere deep. He’s a master at repressing feelings and no one needs to know about his embarrassingly massive crush on Buck.

It has worked really well so far.

Eddie knows it is his own fault, he is the careless fool who fell headfirst in love with his best friend. A best friend who might be into dudes, but definitely is not into him. Which, objectively, is fine. It is. Eddie knows that having Buck in his life as a best friend is a hell of a lot better than not having him at all, and he is lucky to have him.

Still, it is not all his fault. At least half of it is on Buck. In retrospective, there is no way he wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. Buck is kind, funny, sweet and he cares so much about everyone. He is ready to do anything to help others, and Eddie knew from the start that his concern about him and Chris was earnest and genuine.

Buck wears his heart in his sleeve, and he is just so bright, warm and good, and Eddie was a little helpless with all of that in front of him.

There are moments when he is so in love with almost hurts, and moments like this when he has to painfully and bluntly be reminded that Buck doesn’t see him in that way, but Eddie is pretty sure there are worse faiths than loving Buck.

Buck deserves all the love in the world, and sure, he is loving him from afar, but at least he can use their friendship as an outlet for that love. He cannot express it in the way he hopes, but at least he can do small things that make Buck smile and happy. Make his life a little easier or happier. Be there for him.

It’s nothing massive that he does, and most of the time, it is more like a subconscious decision than actual well-thought-out action. He just takes Buck into consideration with almost everything he does.

Their uniforms include more pieces of different sort of clothing than almost necessary. There are long sleeves, t-shirts, more than two types of pants, turnover gears, and their jobs do include a big smell and stain hazard, so the laundry is an endless and ongoing process at the firehouse. Maybe Eddie noticed that Buck isn’t exactly fond of hanging the clothes to dry or of the following folding process. Maybe he started doing it for him whenever he could.

He always makes two cups of coffee. He knows exactly how Buck likes his coffee and he always presses a cup of coffee in his hand before he even has a chance to ask for one.

He has a habit of throwing a blanket over Buck’s sleeping body when he falls asleep at the station or at his place.

He always makes sure to buy Buck’s favourite pastries when it is his turn to bring something over to the breakfast at the firehouse. He always makes sure to save some of them for him if he isn’t around to eat them immediately.

“That sounds more like a bet,” Hen remarks matter-of-factly, bringing Eddie out of his spiralling thoughts. 

Chim and Buck are still smirking, closing in the deal by clinking their glasses together. Maddie rolls her eyes, and it seems fond, but it seems like she and Buck are having a silent conversation via looks only, and everyone else is excluded from it.

Buck always follows through with dares, everyone of the 118 knows it, and nobody wants to dare him unless they want him to do something. Eddie knows that all of them, except maybe himself, want to give him that gentle nudge towards moving forward.

He hasn’t been the luckiest in love, but that has nothing to do with who he is. Eddie thinks that anyone who finds themselves in the receiving end of Buck’s love should consider themselves damn lucky.

Buck continues the conversation, as if no dare has been presented to him.

He talks about the calls they were on earlier. Buck laughs a lot during the night as he tells about his less-than-successful attempt at making a souffle, even when he followed Bobby’s recipe to the dot. He reminisces some of their movie nights and chuckles as they recall how badly Chris beat him at Mario Kart that one time.

Buck tells about an interactive science museum that he had spotted, and asks if they should take Chris there the next weekend, he has apparently already checked that the place is accessible so he has no trouble moving around the place.

Eddie is pretty sure his poor heart can give out at any given moment during that conversation.

Maddie and Chim talk about pregnancy, and start good-naturally bickering about the baby names, and Hen tells about Nia’s newest shenanigans and some date she and Karen had earlier been on.

There’s comfort how naturally the conversation flows and the happiness between all of them feels almost tangible. Even when they decide that the current round of drinks will be the last one, Buck still hasn’t moved anywhere, and it doesn’t look like he is planning to do so either.

Buck just sticks to his side.

It is odd. The bar is full of people and Buck probably wouldn’t have too much trouble asking anyone for their phone number. It is even odder that he has seemed to back down from the dare, and Eddie almost wants to ask about it, but he also knows he shouldn’t look the gift horse in the mouth. 

“Time to pay up, Buckaroo,” Chim announces later, when he stands up and helps Maddie’s coat on her shoulders.

“Uh, no. I won. I did the dare,” Buck shoots back, with a smug expression on his face.

“How?”

“You haven’t moved at all,” Hen says, confusement audible in her voice, with a frown.

They are all now staring at Buck, who is still smiling and looking way too pleased with himself.

“It’s not my fault that I’ve had Eddie’s phone number for the whole night.”

Eddie tries his very best not to choke on his beer. He had done the mistake of taking a big gulp, just before Buck’s explanation, to finish his drink. He ends up making a noise that suspiciously sounds like he would be suffocating, but no one spares him a second glance.

All of their eyes are on Buck, who is seemingly nonchalant about the whole thing. With every passing second, Eddie becomes more and more convinced that he must have heard him wrong. There is no way this discussion is happening in front of him.

“What?” Eddie finally manages to ask, voice still all hoarse.

“Are you serious?” Chim asks, with the most long-suffering voice Eddie has ever heard him use, and he is glancing up as if he needed the help of higher powers to deal with Buck. “That doesn’t count.”

“Why not?” Buck asks, with a tiny shrug and the damn smile still hasn’t disappeared anywhere. If anything, it keeps dancing on his lips even more persistently. “He’s here, he’s arguably the hottest, and you didn’t specify I should get the number tonight.”

Eddie wonders briefly how likely it could be that someone has spiked his drink, he has blacked out and hallucinating this entire scenario. His head does feel a little weird and his heart has definitely picked up its’ pace.

“You are insufferable,” Chim mutters, reaching into the pocket of his jacket to pull out his wallet.

“Possibly, but I also win, fair and square.”

Chim gives him a curious glance. He seems to come to some sort of epiphany right here and there, and some of the annoyance melts right off from his face. At least, it is Eddie’s best guess. He has never been too good at reading Chim’s more subtle emotions and he isn’t completely ruling out the possibility that he might have a damn aneurysm in the developments.

“You didn’t even look at other people,” Chim argues, but his voice is little defeated-sounding and a lot softer than Eddie would have expected.

It is a very good point, and he shoots another perplexed look in the direction of Buck, but he is staring at the surface of the table, like it would hold all the secrets of the universe.

“I didn’t have to,” Buck admits, quietly.

“Huh,” Hen breaths out, and it sounds almost involuntary and her eyes are full of warmth when Eddie looks up to her.

Maddie, on the other hand, grins like she would have swallowed a sun.

Eddie tries to find his voice and argue that they can all stop looking him at like that. That it doesn’t mean anything. That Buck only took the easiest way out of the dare, but it doesn’t mean there would be any implications, but every time he glances at Buck, the words die in his throat.

Chim, slowly and reluctantly, places a wrinkly twenty-dollar bill into Buck’s open palm, that he has been holding out expectantly.

Hen is first to leave, and Chim and Maddie follow close behind, which leaves just the two of them at the table, as Buck collects his things. “You okay there?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

It is not a complete lie. Buck’s his ride tonight, and the fact that he hasn’t been drinking anything else except water, makes Eddie even more puzzled, because the dare cannot be some alcohol enhanced joke on his part, either.

He is not exactly upset, shaken is more like it. Eddie knows he isn’t bad looking, and he has gotten his fair share of compliments of his looks, but there is something different about this. Mostly because it is Buck, but also because he had been a little surprised how openly and honestly Buck admitted it.

He is pretty sure his words are still ringing in his ears. He didn’t even attempt to brush it off as a joke.

“You think I’m hot?” He blurts out when they are already outside of the bar, in the warm Californian night, and walking towards Buck’s Jeep.

He laughs. His laughter is soft and sweet. “Yeah, I do. Don’t let it get into your head, Diaz.”

But there it is.

The joking and teasing. Eddie should be little glad for it, he knows that much. Joking and teasing means that they are back to normal. Into the rhythm and pace of them, and they can forget the whole thing and put it past them.

Eddie is perfectly capable of it.

He sort of wants to do it, because if anything, the fact that Buck thinks he is hot means that he isn’t really interested in him. Beyond the surface level. He knows this because Buck has no problems making a move on a someone he finds attractive, and the fact that he hasn’t made a move on him means that he wants nothing beyond friendship with him.

It stings a little. Scratch that, it stings a hell of a lot, but on the other hand, it is nothing he wouldn’t have known before, and he can get over his own hurt feelings. He cannot lose Buck over something as petty as unrequited feelings.

The car drive passes in silence, and Eddie is grateful for it. The silence between them is rarely uncomfortable or awkward, they manage to fill it with just their presence. Buck is the more talkative out of the two of them, but even he is quiet now, only offering a couple of comments about a song that is on radio.

Buck kills the engine and lights of his Jeep when they reach his house. He exhales audibly and bites the inside of his cheek as he glances at Eddie. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“Buck—”.

Buck runs his hand through his hair and stares intensively at the steering wheel. “We can just forget that this whole thing even happened, use the 20 dollars for next pizza night or something,” he says, almost rambling, quickly.

Eddie nudges his arm with his elbow. “I’m not uncomfortable, Buck. You wanna come in?”

He won’t push him away. It is a promise Eddie made for himself when he first realised that he is in love. Buck has been through way too much abandonment already, and he doesn’t want him thinking that he would want to get rid of him. 

Just because he has made himself miserable by catching feelings doesn’t mean Buck should feel unwanted. Besides, no matter how awful it feels to know that he doesn’t return his feelings, it doesn’t mean Eddie wouldn’t want him around.

“Yeah.”

As soon as they get inside, Buck sits down on the couch, and Eddie is glad for it because it means he won’t bolt away immediately. That he plans to stay with him. It warms his heart a lot more than he can say.

Buck’s gaze in down on his own hands, and he keeps rubbing his palm with his thumb and there seems to be a lot more force behind the simple movement than necessary. “I don’t want to make this weird.”

“It doesn’t have to be weird,” Eddie reassures, but he isn’t completely sure if he is more trying to convince himself rather than Buck.

He laughs, again, but it is not one of his most genuine laughter. He sounds rather happy, but there is an edge to it, and Eddie sort of hates himself for knowing all these small details about his laugh and that he can so easily distinguish them from each other.

Buck is leaning into the couch cushions, and some of the tension seems to leave his shoulders. “What is the textbook example behavior after admitting that you find your best friend attractive?” He deadpans, but something in his tone makes it seem like it wasn’t a complete joke or an easy way out.

Buck is still frowning slightly when he looks up at him. Eddie can pick up sincerity, regret and softness from his gaze, and he feels little out of depth, but he knows he needs to do something to make him feel better, anything really.

“Oh, here I was thinking it was the hottest,” he ends up saying, deadpan, as he crosses his arms and shoots him a mock glare.

It seems to do the trick, because Buck sputters out a surprised laugh. “Shut up.”

Still, he seems more intent at looking his own hands than him, and Eddie is pretty certain he cannot just joke his way out of this. Usually, his go-to strategy would be honesty and sincerity, but that won’t work this time. He can hardly say that _I don’t mind you calling me hot, by the way I love you._

There is no way that would work out in anyone’s favor.

“Would it make it less weird if I did the same?” Eddie blurts out, almost surprising himself too.

“What?”

He sits next to him on the couch, but he purposefully leaves more room in between them than necessary. Not much, he could still easily bump his knee against Buck’s if he decided so.

“If I said that I think you’re gorgeous too,” he explains, slowly, and immediately mentally kicks himself for choosing the word gorgeous.

He should have gone for something simple and neutral, like good-looking or handsome. Gorgeous is just ridiculous and fuelled by adoration.

Buck does have the common sense to look perplexed at his words. He blinks a couple of times and shrugs. “Uh, I guess, maybe?”

“Yeah, well, you are,” he admits with a huff, “we good?”

Buck’s lopsided grin is bright and warm. “Yeah, hot stuff.”

Eddie groans and throws one of the couch pillows at him, but Buck’s laughter is contagious, and they end up laughing and talking about all sort of things, mostly unimportant, but it’s so normal and them that it makes Eddie’s heart ache.

Half an hour later, they have moved into the kitchen. Eddie is leaning against the kitchen counter, just looking at Buck.

“The fact that you have managed to stay alive for 33 years and a feed a child is still a bit of mystery for me,” Buck says, frowning deeply, as he glances into oven where Eddie just dumped one of those ready-made pizzas one can buy from the frozen aisle of any supermarket.

“It’s not that bad,” he argues back, as he goes through his fridge and pulls out two bottles of beer. Buck is still squatting in front of the oven, but he straightens up when he offers him the other bottle.

“I have to drive home,” he says as an explanation, with a slight shake of his head.

It feels weird to hear him say that, because right now, Buck looks so at home in his kitchen. He has already changed into old t-shirt and sweatpants that he keeps at Eddie’s house and he doesn’t look out of place standing there barefooted in the middle of the night.

“Or you could stay,” Eddie offers softly, still handing out the bottle.

“Or I could stay,” he replies, matching him with the softness of his tone, as he curls his fingers around the glass bottle.

They end up putting on a movie and eating the pizza on the couch. Buck constantly keeps complaining that the choice of location doesn’t make the culinary experience any better and that the pizza tastes like cardboard, and Eddie can admit that he is right about that.

The movie is an action movie, there are giant robots and some sort of monsters coming out the ocean, and it is entertaining enough, but exhaustion from the earlier shift is starting to settle in and he cannot say that he would be completely focused on what is happening on screen.

Despite the exhaustion, his mind is still playing, on a loop, some parts of their earlier conversations and Eddie doesn’t know what to do. It had felt almost good to admit aloud that he thinks he is gorgeous. The thought of it has crossed his mind countless times, but he has never put it into actual words.

There are just too many options what Buck might do if he ends up confessing. He is pretty sure he wouldn’t be angry. Disgust is in the realm of possibility, but Buck’s not a cruel person, and he is almost certain he would be nice about it. Sweet, even. Letting him down in the nicest way possible.

It is almost a comforting thought. That if he just opened up his mouth, he could get over with it. Over the inevitable rejection and start getting over him. Re-start their friendship with a clean state without any secrets hovering over them. Love is not the worst secret to keep, but he doesn’t like keeping things away from him.

Still, the absolutely worst scenario would be that Buck would pity him. The last thing he needs is pity and the thought alone makes him recoil.

He startles when Buck lazily nudges his knee with his own. “Do you think we would be drift compatible?” He asks, quietly, as he gestures towards the TV screen with his almost full beer bottle.

Buck always talks during movies. Offering some comments, asking about something or pointing out something. Eddie is used to it, but the question still catches him by a surprise.

He hasn’t been paying a whole lot attention to the movie, but he knows that drift compatibly is some soul-mate level, deeper connection, that helps the people to operate the giant robots. Robots aside, the idea of it seems rather beautiful.

Some of the characters seem to be in love, but otherwise it’s about wordless communication, trust, opening up and connection.

Knowing each other so well that you don’t have to use words to know what the other one is thinking and anticipate their next move or need.

Now that he actually thinks about it, it sums up their relationship pretty well. If nothing else, they trust each other. Sometimes, Eddie is convinced that he is able to read Buck like an open book. Tiny expressions and body language sometimes betrays him, spilling all of his secrets to him. He is aware that Buck is able to do the same with him, which is a lot less unnerving than he would expect. They are able to work seamlessly on calls, knowing exactly what the other is about to do or needs to be done.

They don’t always agree, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t understand the point behind the other’s argument. But still, there is some sort of effortlessness about their relationship, that started from the moment when everything just clicked between them in the back of that ambulance. 

“Yeah,” Eddie replies, taking a long sip of his beer. “I mean isn’t that sort of what we do at work?”

“I guess,” he replies, but a tiny and pleased smile forms on his lips. “What were you thinking before I interrupted your thoughts?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” Buck accuses him, but his voice is full of fondness.

“Lucky for me, I got a pretty face,” he says, bumping their knees together again.

The urge to tell him is getting stronger and stronger, and he isn’t sure if he can keep all of it inside of him. As soon as he realised that if he doesn’t tell him tonight, he might never work up the nerve to confess. His love for him doesn’t feel bad or ugly, but his feelings just might eat him up from the inside.

He definitely isn’t drunk, but a little tipsy, and somehow the pleasant buzz he feels only makes the urge more powerful.

But still, there is almost like an invisible barrier that stops him every time. Every time he opens his mouth, the words just get stuck and nothing comes out. 

“I’m never gonna hear the end of this,” Buck groans, dragging his hand along his face.

“Nope.”

“Okay but circling back. You looked sort of worried, and if I’m being honest, you still do,” he explains. His gaze is no longer on the screen, but on him, and Eddie feels strangely seen. “You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes out, and maybe something inside of him breaks a little as he hears his soft reassurance. “I was glad that you didn’t get anyone else’s phone number.”

There is plain surprise on Buck’s face, but the surprise melts into a grin quite quickly, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Were you worried that I’d revert back to Buck 1.0 or that yet another relationship would blow on my face?”

Eddie swallows, and it feels like there is a huge lump on his throat. “Obviously those are the only two options,” he laughs, but it sounds harsher and more bitter than he intends.

“Then what is it?” Buck asks, sounding actually curious and interested in his answer, and Eddie just knows he won’t give up until he gets his answer.

Still, he remains quiet, only staring at the beer bottle in his hand.

“Come on, it’s me. If our friendship can survive everything that we’ve been through, it can survive whatever you have to say.”

It’s a comforting thought and Buck’s voice seems earnest. It sounds like he believes it, completely, and Eddie wants to believe it, too.

“I will hold you onto that promise,” he remarks, pointing at Buck with his index finger. Buck just nods as an acknowledgement.

Eddie exhales slowly. His heart is beating against his ribcage, a little too fast, and he tries to remind himself that he has been in active combat zone and that his job literally includes running towards danger, and that telling his best friend how he really feels shouldn’t be any scarier than that.

“I am sort of in love with you,” he breathes out. It comes out quietly, but he feels like his heart is screaming. “Wait, no, that sounds wrong. Not sort of. Just in love. I think I’ve been for a while.”

Seconds pass, but the silence continues, and Buck just stares at him. He doesn’t look surprised, per se, but he looks like someone would have just told him that the earth isn’t round after all. Shocked is maybe the word that would fit the best, and Eddie is almost relieved.

He can deal with shock. It is what he was expecting from him, when he went through all the possible scenarios in his head.

It feels almost unreal that he finally managed to say those words aloud, and it brings on giddiness, even though there is an ugly knot forming in the pit of his stomach, because this, at least, it is the final confirmation he needed that Buck doesn’t feel the same way.

“It doesn’t have to change anything. Really,” Eddie starts, and he is surprised how calm he manages to sound. “I’m happy, more than happy, with what we’ve now, and if that is all, then that is all.”

Buck seems to startle because of his words. He shoots him a perplexed glance. “Pinch me.”

“You are not dreaming,” Eddie tells him, rolling his eyes.

Buck’s expression is almost unreadable. “Who knows, I just might be,” he mutters, but he doesn’t look away from him.

Eddie places his fingers on his forearm. “Would this be more in the realm of nightmare or--?” He asks, letting his voice trail off.

Buck seems to be taking it pretty well and at least he isn’t running away, but still, Eddie would like to know how much damage repair he has to do.

Buck just shakes his head. “You’re so stupid,” he mumbles, but he manages to sound almost amused.

Eddie has no idea what to say to that or what else to do, so he gently pinches the skin of his forearm.

“Ouch.”

“You told me to pinch you,” he replies matter-of-factly, and borderline exasperatedly.

“Yeah, because I’m hard time wrapping my head around this,” Buck says, almost desperately, gesturing vaguely at him.

Eddie gets it. He understands even, but it still doesn’t make the pang of hurt any less dull.

“I’m sorry.”

The confusion immediately returns to his face. His eyebrows are knitted together, and it is starting to resemble a frown. “Don’t you dare to apologize.”

The determination in his voice catches Eddie off-guard.

“I know it’s unrequited, but I’d also want to remind you that you promised that we’d survive—this,” he continues, meekly, looking down on his lap. He only looks back at Buck when he feels the weight of his hand back on his knee.

“Eddie, it’s not unrequited,” Buck tells him, slowly and softly, and he strokes his knee with his thumb.

It sort of feels like the ground falls beneath him. He blinks several times, only staring at him. He is certain he heard him right, but he cannot still form the words. Buck’s mouth is twisting into a tiny, but soft smile as he watches him.

“It’s not?”

“I sort of love you back,” he admits, still quietly, but the confession feels loud anyway.

“You do?” Eddie blurts out, and he knows his replies aren’t the most eloquent, but words have never been really his forte.

“Yeah,” Buck confirms, patiently, and his eyes are gleaming brightly. “That’s why this is so—much, to know that you feel the same way.”

He lets out a soft chuckle. “I know.”

Eddie moves his hand on top of Buck’s, which is still resting on his knee. His movement is slow and tentative, trying to chart what he is comfortable with. Eddie knows Buck’s confession still hasn’t sunk in completely and it will take a moment before he manages to truly realise it.

Buck doesn’t pull his hand away. He turns it around beneath his palm and slowly intertwines his own fingers with Eddie’s. It’s a small and simple touch, but it feels amazing. Just the mere touch of their hands, pressed against each other, sends a shiver down his spine.

“That’s why there hasn’t been anyone else,” Buck says, breaking the silence as he places his beer bottle on the coffee table. He takes Eddie’s bottle away, too, and places next to his.

“You were there for me the whole time,” Eddie confesses.

His grand epiphany about his feelings towards Buck had come to him one Sunday night. He had had dinner with his abuela and she had worried that he might feel lonely without a partner in life. Eddie had convinced her that he wasn’t lonely and later, when he had thought why it was, he realised that Buck already filled that space in his life.

Buck helped him with parenting Chris. He could tell anything to him without the fear of being judged. It was him who he turned to when he was the happiest or when he needed comforting. He was there. On and off duty, whenever he needed him.

After more sleepless tossing and turning and pondering he had realised that Buck was everything he looked for in a partner, and he was already half-way in love with him when he had realised it. Becoming aware of it had just intensified his feelings because he started to see the love in every interaction they shared.

“Can I kiss you?” Buck asks, biting his lower lip slightly.

For months, he has wanted nothing else expect close the distance between them, and even now, his stomach twists a little with want and desire. “Yeah.”

He reluctantly lets go off Buck’s hand when he pulls it away to cup his face with one hand. He seems to be taking his time and Eddie half-snorts because it is so endearing, but also incredibly frustrating at the same time.

“What?” Buck questions, amusedly, “I want to do this the right way.”

Eddie might have imagined, once or twice, what it would feel like to kiss him, but it seems like Buck has sacrificed some thought to it too, and the idea of that is almost dizzying.

“I don’t think there is a wrong way.”

The only reply he gets is Buck’s lips crashing against his own. It’s soft and sweet, and a little tentative, but it is also a lot better than he imagined. There is no fireworks going off, but the warmth and gentleness of his lips feels incredible and somehow, there is so much familiarity in it.

“That felt right,” Eddie remarks, in a whisper, when they pull away to catch their breath.

“It did.”

He hates sounding like a cliché, but it felt easy and comforting, like coming home. Despite the certain effortlessness, it still felt thrilling and exciting, and he already craves to touch him again.

“I kinda want to do it again,” Buck admits, with a lazy grin, as his gaze drops back to his lips.

“I’ve no objections,” he tells him, and this time it is Eddie who initiates the kiss.

His hands find their way to the base of Buck’s skull and he strokes his neck and hairline. The one kiss turns into series of kisses, and the softness and warmth are still there, but plain want and desire are humming beneath of it all, and the kisses are definitely growing more eager.

Logically, somewhere in the back of his mind, Eddie knows that the couch isn’t the best place for making out. It’s definitely too small for the two of them, and he has already pushed Buck against the other armrest and cushions, as he is half astride on top of him.

It is only when Buck’s groan starts to sound like it is out of pain and discomfort, that he immediately pulls away. He searches any signs of regret or hurt from his eyes, but he finds nothing. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, your couch did,” Buck replies, gently, and strokes his slight stubble with his thumb, “it has had a personal vendetta against my back from the beginning.”

Buck chuckles softly and Eddie joins him, before placing a soft kiss on his forehead. “I knew it.”

“It was worth it, every time, though.”

The small confession tucks something at the corner of his heart and he feels like he is overcome with the strength of his own love.

“I do have a perfectly good bed though,” Eddie ends up saying as he scrambles away from top of him. He offers him his hand to help him up, even though he doesn’t need it. He takes it without any hesitation.

“Oh, really?”

It doesn’t take them long to cross the short distance to his bedroom, and coming down tumbling on his bed, and finding each other’s lips. Forming a coherent thought when Buck is kissing him is definitely challenging, but he manages to think that the bed is a lot better place for it, because he gets to touch him a lot more.

Their legs are entangled and pressed together. Buck’s other hand is once again cupping his face and the other rests on the edge of his hipbone. His own hand is travelling across Buck’s back, stroking the edge of his shoulder blades, until he runs his fingers against the waistband of his sweatpants and eventually slipping inside of the waistband.

Buck moans into the kiss, but he brings his hand on Eddie’s and pulls away slightly. Eddie immediately stops stroking his fingers against his skin.

Buck laughs, softly, against his neck and his breath feels warm. “Not that I wouldn’t want to, but I’m not taking advantage of you.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Eddie chuckles, but he pulls his hand away and rolls onto his back, “but I get it.”

He isn’t drunk. Tipsy, for sure, but he still perfectly aware what he is doing and saying, but he knows that his decision is as much for himself as it is for Eddie.

He knows Buck needs to hear him say all the things he has said tonight again tomorrow morning while being sober to truly and thoroughly believe him. There’s nothing wrong it, and Eddie is glad to tell him it all again tomorrow.

“I don’t want you doing anything you could regret in the morning,” Buck explains, softly, as he pulls one of the pillows closer and settles it underneath his head.

“Yeah, I appreciate it,” Eddie says, softly, but he turns his head so that he can look him straight into eyes, “but I could never regret anything about you.”

It is a simple truth, and he wants him to know it, too.

“Huh,” he breathes out, sounding just a little bit of shaken up. “Do you mind if I still stay?”

Eddie’s heart almost breaks there and then, just at the thought of Buck thinking that he would kick him out. He tries to find his hand from the small space between their bodies. When he finds it, he picks it up and brings it closer to his face, so that he can press kisses against his knuckles.

“Of course not,” he says, “I didn’t ask you to stay because I thought we’d--,” he starts, but his voice trails off. He sighs. “You’re so much more than that.”

“Okay,” he whispers back.

It’s a simple and short reply, but at least for a now, he seems to believe it, and that is good enough for Eddie.

“I always want you here,” he adds, gently, but Buck’s eyes are already closed, and it doesn’t take him that long to fall asleep either.

***

Eddie’s eyes feel like they have been glued shut, and he has to blink several times before he manages to get rid of the blurriness of his sight. It is almost strange to wake up with the weight and warmth of another body pressed against him, because it has been so long since he was woken up next to someone.

In the soft morning light it feels more real that Buck actually returns his feelings. Of course it was always a distant possibility, but he never dared to dwell on the thought of it too long. He didn’t want to get his hopes up.

But there he is. An arm sprawled across Eddie’s stomach and his hair on his face. Buck is still snoring softly and he looks peaceful and content. Eddie tries his best not to move, because he doesn’t want to stir him awake just yet.

He deserves to get some sleep.

It might feel more real after sleeping on it, but it doesn’t mean it would be any easier to wrap his mind around it. His breath still hitches a little in his throat when he thinks about it and there is a different kind of nervousness and excitement settling into his stomach.

He doesn’t know how long he has been already awake when Buck’s breathing becomes a little uneven and almost immediately after, he opens his eyes. A lazy smile appears on his lips quickly, too.

“Morning.”

“I don’t even get a ‘good morning’?” Buck laughs, mostly against his shoulder.

“It’s not a good morning until I get to drink my coffee. No matter who I wake up next to,” Eddie teases, murmuring into his curls that have truly come unruly during the night.

“Good to know.”

Buck places a kiss on his jawline. It’s barely even a kiss, more like a graze of his lips, but he still feels himself tensing up underneath his touch.

Not because it would be unwelcomed, but because it makes it even more real. The small acts of affection mean that he actually gets to have this whole thing with Buck, and it is a bit more than overwhelming.

Eddie guesses, even though he definitely wants it and he is all in, that it will take a moment to get used to it. Getting used to accept the love he thought he couldn’t have.

Buck, understandably, reads his reaction in a wrong way.

“Sorry,” he mutters, and Eddie feels him shifting against him, trying to pull away, but Eddie tries his best to stop him by placing his hand on the small of his back.

“No, no,” he hurries to say, “it’s good. I was just overwhelmed, but in a best way.”

Buck hums as a response, and it sounds almost sympathetic, like he understands where he is coming from. He pulls just a bit further away to actually see Eddie’s face, but he still rests the tip of his chin against his shoulder.

“How are you feeling?”

Eddie knows the hidden meaning behind his words. The implications that are laced in between the simple question.

“No headache, no regrets.”

Buck lets out exhale, and from the corner of his eye, it looks like Buck visibly relaxes as he hears that nothing has changed from last night.

“Good. Uh, I don’t have any either.”

“So—”

“Yeah—”

They both fall silent as they hear each other’s voice. Buck pokes him in between ribs, gently, and Eddie knows that it is his cue to start talking.

He pointedly looks at the ceiling as he talks.

“We are on the same page, right? That we should try this.”

They didn’t really talk about the future of them. He is pretty sure there is a future for them, but he also knows that they need to talk about it. Clarify things and set boundaries. Form the foundation of them.

“I think we’d be crazy not to,” Buck starts, tracing some sort of pattern with his fingers against his forearm, “I mean it’s been—I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way and there’s lot to lose, you and Christopher are the best things in my life, but it feels right.”

“It does, and I promise you, no matter what happens, you won’t lose us,” he says, pressing a quick kiss on his temple.

Eddie cannot predict the future. If he could, he would have made different choices in life. Maybe he is a little biased or blinded by his feelings, but he has a feeling that he and Buck won’t end up in flames. Sure, it might not be easy all the time, but he likes to think that no matter what life throws in their way, they can work through it. Together.

“Okay.”

He inhales, still looking at the white ceiling of his bedroom. Nothing has changed, he still believes that Buck deserves the world and all happiness in it, and he might not actually be what Buck deserves.

He knows Buck isn’t bothered by the whole single dad thing, as some other people could be, but he still comes with metric ton of issues and baggage.

“I cannot promise I’d be great at this—,” he starts, words tumbling out of his mouth, but he doesn’t get very far until Buck presses his finger against his lips.

“You forget that I know you,” he explains, softly, and sounding almost overjoyed about it, “I know exactly what I’m getting myself into, and you’re enough, more than enough.”

He supposes it is true. They have definitely seen each other through thick and thin. At some of the worst moments of their life, but also at the best moments. It is almost reassuring to think that Buck has seen all of him, even the worst parts, and still decided that he is worth all of his love.

“Right back at you, and I’ll try my best,” Eddie says, finally glancing at him.

Buck rolls his eyes at him, but it is out of fondness. “Yeah, me too, obviously, but there’s no need to woo me, and you don’t have to stress about being good at it. I mean I fell in love and you didn’t even try, so I guess we are fine.”

Eddie’s heart might skip a beat, just because Buck is already demonstrating how well and thoroughly he knows him, because he could predict his first fear.

Not being enough.

It is almost a reoccurring theme in his life by now. Not being enough for Shannon. Not being enough for Chris. Not being enough for his unit back in the army. Not being enough for 118. Not being enough for Buck.

The fear and worry of not living up to the expectations and not being able to help have overshadowed most of his life. The decisions he has made in his life, and for once, he would like to truly and sincerely believe that he is good enough.

So, yeah, maybe there is a warm and pleasant feeling spreading in his chest, at his reassurances.

“Rude, maybe I want to woo you,” he replies, easily, and a bright grin forms on his face.

Buck laughs briefly. “I ain’t stopping you, but—don’t get stuck in your head about it, or if you do, just talk to me.”

“Ah, because that is my greatest skill set.”

He has tried to get better at it, for Chris’ sake. But also, for Buck’s sake. He knows Buck considers it a privilege if anyone confides in him, and he prefers talking and chatter to quietness, so Eddie started to talk to him more. A lot. About anything and everything, just because it makes him happy.

It doesn’t mean that words would come to him any easier. Especially the ones that mean the most.

Buck’s fingers stop on his wrist, at the tiny space where the wrist ends and palm begins. It feels strangely sensitive spot, as if his fingertips could send a small electric shock along his arm.

“I know,” Buck replies, easily, “you have always been more doer than talker. That’s fine.” 

Eddie swallows, even if it feels like the lump has returned to his throat. He doesn’t know what to do with the endless and unwavering accepting that Buck keeps throwing at his way.

“You think I haven’t noticed, but I’ve. All the small things you do. Folding my clothes at work. Saving me the pastries I like. Offering to take the kitchen cleaning duty away from Hen ‘cause you know she hates it. Taking Chris to the park he likes and prefers, even if it is a lot further away than the closest one. Never complaining when Chris wants to watch the same movie for umpteenth time and we could all remember the dialogue of it by heart, backwards in our sleep.”

“Oh.”

“We’ll be here all day if I list everything, but what I wanted to say is that those little things matter so much, too, and I notice.”

Eddie is little loss for words. He doesn’t know why, but he has always assumed that all of those things he does go unnoticed because they are so small and somehow expected. It has been drilled to his brain since he was a kid that you take care of those who you love.

It didn’t really occur for him not to do them.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and while it still isn’t eloquent, it is all he has.

“Yeah, and it’s not like I’ve the best track record with relationships either. Both Ali and Abby fled town, so you might want to start doing those Buzzfeed quizzes about which country and town you should live in,” Buck deadpans.

“I hear Reykjavik is nice.”

Eddie tries to stifle down his laugher when Buck elbows his side. 

“I rather like it here with you,” Eddie ends up saying, “and you are not gonna get rid of me that easily if it’s up to me.”

Buck hums again under his breath, and Eddie feels his lips against his shoulder. “Good, and we can take this slow.”

By any standards, it couldn’t be called rushing in. They have been dancing around the what ifs for years now, but he still wants to take it slowly. He doesn’t want to mess it up. It means too much.

There are a million things that could go wrong, but there are also a million things that could go right. Better than right.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want breakfast?” Buck asks, suddenly.

They still need to talk, but there’s no rush, and he knows Buck is trying to make it easier for him. By taking it slow.

“It’s my house, I think that’s my question.”

In all fairness, Buck has spent so much time over, it feels like it is a little bit of his, too.

Buck laughs again, but he is already sitting up and getting out of the bed.

“Sure, but you will end up giving me a food poisoning if you make the breakfast, and I say that with love, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.”

Eddie lies there for a short moment, after Buck has already gotten out the bedroom, but he takes the moment just to cherish the feeling that takes over his whole body.

_Happiness._

***

[three months later]

They are at the firehouse, and it has been quite uneventful shift. Only one minor car crash and that had involved more cleaning up the scene than actual rescuing of lives. They are at the gym, Eddie is lying on the training bench, lifting a bar filled with weights, and Buck just hovers near his head, ready to catch the bar if necessary.

It usually isn’t necessary, but he likes to be safe than sorry when it comes to Eddie, and any excuse to spend some more time with him is a great reason in Buck’s book.

They filed out the forms with HR almost immediately, but they didn’t want to spill the beans to the team immediately. Living in their own bubble for a little while longer seemed like the most sensible solution, and they have been doing great.

Eddie’s face is covered in sweat, but he is still smiling at him as he goes on about the schedule of their weekend over, whether they should visit the aquarium or zoo with Chris.

“How’s the love life, Buck?” Chimney suddenly asks, as he stops the treadmill in the other corner of the gym.

He has apparently overheard their short discussion.

He looks up at Chim and grins brilliantly.

They have been talking about telling the team, and it seems like an opportunity too good to miss. He quickly glances down to Eddie, with his eyebrows raised, and as an answer he receives a small nod. It’s enough for him to know he is on board, too.

“Great, I’m no longer single so you can stop worrying about me,” he tells to Chim, almost nonchalantly.

In reality, he feels a little giddy. It still feels almost too good to be true that Eddie loves him back and the fact that he can say it aloud still almost overwhelms him with pure and raw happiness.

“Wait, really?”

He doesn’t seem too shocked. His expression seems to be genuinely happy and there is something that resembles anticipation a whole lot. Maddie has probably already blabbered everything about his major crush on Eddie to Chim, too. 

Maybe he pined after him for months, but in his defence, it turned out pretty well in the end.

“Yeah, really.”

Eddie lets out a sound that sounds suspiciously lot like a snort.

“Uh, well, that’s awesome. I’m happy for you.”

His voice sounds sincere and Buck cannot help but smile, too. Chim has been like family to him since joining the 118, but nowadays, he literally is family to him via Maddie and his niece, and it means a lot to him that he also has his back.

It means a lot that he has people who to share his life with. A family, really. The sort of family he always dreamed of as a kid. A family bound by love, not obligation.

“Thanks,” he tells him, and watches as Eddie places the weight bar back on the scaffold.

Buck winks at Eddie, before walking towards Chim, and patting him on the shoulder as he passes him on his way out of the gym. “You know, sometimes it is helpful to leave the bar with the phone number of the hottest person.”

He doesn’t look back, but he can feel Chim’s gaze on him. He feels only slightly guilty for leaving Eddie alone to deal with his reaction.

He isn’t yet out of the hearing distance when Chim speaks again.

“Wait—you and Buck?” He asks, sounding overjoyed.

Eddie laughs, and certain type of familiar warmth settles in his chest at hearing his easy-going and free laughter.

“Yeah, thanks for that.”

_Happiness._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is my first buddie fic and once I got the idea of this in my head I couldn't let it go, and admittedly it got a little bit out of hand. I had fun writing this and I hope you liked it too!
> 
> Pacific rim is an amazing movie and Buck and Eddie would be drift compatible, you cannot change my mind.
> 
> All the mistakes are mine and the title is borrowed from a song called you are in love by taylor swift. I'm not saying it is a complete buddie song, but it totally is.


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